onvural.net – melih – family man

What a wonderful week of Amelia and Luka.

We spent last week in North Carolina visiting family and friends. It’s amazing to me how much they trust Doruk even though they barely see him. Maybe a month ago I would have said barely know him, but after this past week I know better than that. To know someone is clearly more than to have their presence be consistent in day-to-day life, but it took a 2.5 year old to teach me that.

Micky headed over the UK for a few days, and so the flight back was the three of us. They did wonderfully, and the folks on the plane made sure to say as much. Everyone is so impressed when a man can take his kids on his own on long haul flights. We’re definitely not post-sexism by any stretch of the imagination. Even so, I appreciate the accolades, and so let me not complain too much 🙂

Amelia had her 2.5 year old checkup on Wednesday. After screwing up the time, and moving things around at work, we finally got the ball rolling. Measurements came in at:

• 38.5″ tall (> 100th percentile)
• 35 lbs (75th percentile)
• Smart, fun and awesome (okay, I made this one up)

The doctor suggested she get her flu shot, and so we buckled down and got ready (read, I buckled down and got ready). Amelia walked into the hallway, saw the nurse, and asked, “What’s that little girl doing?” (which is her token question about everyone these days). I explained that she was get Amelia’s shot ready, and then the nurse said that after she got her shot Amelia could get a sticker.

Amelia immediately responded with, “I want my shot.”

I wonder if any nurse has ever heard that before! When all was ready, and Amelia was in my lap, they rolled up her sleeve, pricked her, and… no tears, no fuss, just a request to go get her stickers.

It was AMAZING!

The next morning, Amelia decided to sleep in while Luka and I played in the living room before Noelle got here. He’s grown up so much in the last six weeks. Words. Opinions. Laughter. And the best smile I’ve ever seen. Luka smiles, and the world lights up. It’s truly amazing.

Then, today, the two of them chase each other around the house, “cook” breakfast, only eat the chocolate chips, and generally make an ordinary Saturday extraordinary. Amelia tops it all off by saying, “I’ll do the dishes” in a way only Amelia could.

So if anyone has a recipe for freezing these moments, and making sure they never go away, please let me know.

The natural order for me for a long time has been to avoid the present, and focus on the future. The promotion I’ve wanted so badly, and how good it was going to feel. The start up I’ve wanted so badly, and how much fun it was going to be. The dice I was going to throw, and how much money I would win.

But when it comes to Amelia and Luka, all of that has changed.

It is definitely possible to take for granted them being 2 and 1 year old respectively, and jump to 4, 10, 16, and beyond. And every now and then there are moments where I let myself do that. Take for example earlier today – Amelia and a new friend she made Eli were playing together wonderfully. They were bouncing on his bed, in the sandbox, banging on the drums, and just generally enjoying each other. And I found myself thinking, “So this is how father’s let their daughters marry someone. They make sure it’s someone who their daughter becomes better with.” And somehow it made that distant moment seem very close.

But then the rest of the day was spent in the extreme present. Playing in fountains, swimming in the pool, creating obstacle courses around the house. We got Amelia a play kitchen set, and we made play eggs and had afternoon tea. Luka ate kofte for the first time, and loved it. He gives kisses now, and then hugs you when he wants to let you know that he appreciates you’re there.

In those moments, there is no future. There’s no worry about broken hearts or SATs. There is simply an us.

And because of Amelia and Luka, I’ve started to apply this same philosophy elsewhere to try to help put things into perspective. I don’t know that it’s working yet, but I think it will definitely help me focus on the journey more and the destination less.

That’s something that I know now will work out in the future.

Amelia and Luka love the simple things.

We’re in the Grand Canyon, and they chase the elk around the camp site. We’re at home, and they just want to run around in a circle around the kitchen island for the next hour. And when it’s bed time they just a bottle of milk, a story, and a kiss goodnight.

I’ve gotten so good at worrying about big things, complicated things, stressful things. And these kids just force me to get back to the basics – what interests me? what excites me? what inspires me? That’s the foundation that I should start my day from.

The rest is really just noise.

This post is really meant to act as a historical marker.

Amelia has heard, “I love you” since the day she was born. I would like to think that all children do, but I know better than that. When she was about three months old, you’d say, “Amelia. I love you!” and she would squeal in delight. Since she’s been talking both Micky and I have tried to get her to say I love you back at us, and…

today it finally happened 🙂

I said to her, “Amelia, say I love you to daddy”, and she said, “I love you”, and then immediately was quite proud of herself. She had a big smile on her face, and I immediately bear hugged and kissie monstered her to pieces.

And that’s why it’s all worth it.

We took a vacation to Hawaii this past week. It was our first vacation since our Tamales Bay expo with a little baby Amelia in July 2011. This has been a LONG time coming.

We went back to Maui (which was the site of our babymoon before Amelia), but this time we booked a condo. We learned that restaurants on Maui are expensive, with okay food, and too many people, and so we wanted our own space, our own kitchen, and then more room for the babies.

Our sunsets were amazing. We faced due West, and so it was hot as could be in the afternoon. But then as the sun went over that point in the sky where heat goes away it was just our couch, and this glowing pink orb across the Pacific Ocean. It was so beautiful.

Micky got me an underwater camera for our anniversary present. It was a totally awesome gift. Taking photos underwater is quite hard. A lot harder than I thought for a bunch of different reasons than originally anticipated, but I didn’t do horribly I don’t think. Here is one:

You can see the rest of them here. I’m really excited to keep practicing, though it might be a lot of pool time until I can get back into the ocean.

Amelia absolutely LOVED the ocean. She was running in the waves, and splashing about. We took some videos, but I haven’t had a chance to download them yet. She also tanned fantastically, and there were no incidents of sun burn (except for Micky, for whom I’m not responsible for her skincare).

Luka and I bonded quite a bit too. It was awesome.

I really needed the time off, came back refreshed, and now I’m really excited about the next adventures coming on the horizon.

I haven’t posted in quite a long while, and a lot has happened in my life since. High level overview, and then I’ll get back on the bandwagon, and post more regularly.

Luka was born

My son Luka James Onvural was born on July 5. He’s huge, and healthy, and happy. He had a bit of a hospital stay because of an infection, but we’re doing great. Family has come and gone to visit, and that was really nice as well. All in all, having two is a lot more work, but a million times more fun than having one. So lucky to be four now.

Amelia’s organs are all on the inside

Amelia had surgery for her sports hernia, and for the first time in her life all of her internal organs are on the inside. It’s such a weird thing to celebrate, but I’ll take it. Her surgeons were amazing, and we’re just happy to be done with it all. Now hopefully the next time she’ll make me cry it will be for something that doesn’t kill me.

TokSoccer won its first legit game

My last post was about the soccer team we formed at TokBox. We’re pretty bad still, but we put together a fantastic game, and beat the #1 team in the league to keep our playoff hopes alive. It’s all or nothing this week for us as we play the team against which we’re competing for the last playoff spot.

I’m competing a triathlon

Yup. I can’t swim, but I’m going to go for it anyway, and see where it takes me. I’ll do updates as I get more training in :-p

Crazy few months, but happy to keep driving through it all.

Amelia has had her surgery, and is doing very well. I was most definitely scared shitless on Monday of this week, but am now much happier, and most definitely relieved.

They gave her a little belly button, and it’s quite cute. That’s the last plastic surgery that she’ll ever get as far as I’m concerned though.

I just want to thank everyone who has supported us through all of this. The amazing team at TokBox who never once said that Micky or I couldn’t go to get things done for Amelia. The family and friends who have called, texted, and emailed. And of course my darling Micky without whom I never would have survived this whole ordeal.

If ever there is someone out there who needs help through a birth defect situation, and specifically an oemophalocele, please contact me on this blog. The biggest thing we need in these moments is someone who listens, and after the miracle I’ve just lived the least I could do is be an ear to someone who needs it.

The next amazing Amelia update will hopefully be about the big 1. I can’t wait 🙂

It’s a very weird time in Amelia Rose’s development right now, and it translates very well to where I feel I am as well professionally.

Amelia refuses to sit still. The energizer bunny has nothing on her (plus his insides aren’t on the outside either). However neither walking nor crawling have been mastered. As a result, she constantly needs someone to watch over her. She doesn’t really want us to be there from a play perspective, but we have to be there from a fall on my head perspective. She is dependently independent.

In the same way, I feel as if I’m desperate to get to the next level of my career. I’d be lying if I said I had any idea as to what it was, but I just feel like I need to get there. The problem is that I don’t know if I can crawl, much less walk, and so someone is constantly having to make sure I don’t fall on my head. And let me tell you it sucks to be dependently independent.

Amelia has the advantage of time, but for me time feels like the crux of the problem. When she does fall on her head, she learns. I feel like I don’t get the chance, and so I haven’t.

I want to find a way out to the other side. I know she will make it. But in the meantime we’re both keeping both hands on the table around those tricky coffee table turns.

With the Clementi case in the news, the shooting at a high school in Ohio, and the latest episode of Glee highlighting how bullying leads to catastrophe, I asked myself what it takes to actually bring positive social change into the lives of kids today.

You see, the adults have no idea how to react to a digitally connected world. I’m sure horrible things happened before MySpace, but I don’t know if they were nearly as viral or long lasting. On top of that, I think kids are just getting meaner. We are, so as not to hurt their feelings, being too nice to our kids. Their reaction is to be mean in return. It’s a bit bizarre and disheartening.

I’m glad that shows like Glee try to take on issues such as coming out of the closet, the lack of arts education in schools, and societal expectations of gender and roles. But I’m just not convinced that a 43-minute episode does enough to keep the conversation moving. We see it; we think to ourselves what a tragedy it represents; and then we move on to the next week’s episode.

Somehow parents need to be empowered to engage their children in difficult conversations. We should start when kids are much younger before they are overburdened with puberty, confused about their own identities, and struggling to make a place for themselves in the world. Young children are much smarter than we give them credit for, and I think challenging them with reading, writing, and arithmetic needs to be supplemented by making them aware of how we are different, and why those differences make us a better society.

I want my children to understand there is poverty, and that a middle class upbringing is not a right. I want my children to understand that there is race, and that because of it we stereotype and do harmful things to one another. I want my children to understand that someone can have two mommies or two daddies, and that that’s okay.

But I want my children to be kids, and to be naive as long as possible. And I think that’s the wall that stops us from having those conversations.

Between now and then, it sure would be nice to find a way to make it happen. I guess it’s one more thing to add to the to-do list.

Related articles

• Parents: Gay Suicide Victim Had No Close Friends (abcnews.go.com)
• Last week’s ‘Glee’ inspires record traffic for The Trevor Project (cnn.com)
• Motherlode Blog: Shootings in Ohio School Provide Another Opening to Talk About Guns (parenting.blogs.nytimes.com)

We’ve just spent an amazing weekend on the shores of Capitola, CA. It’s a really great, quiet, little beach town in Santa Cruz County.

We made a full weekend of it. On Saturday, we swung by the Monterey Bay aquarium. While we were there, I heard a mother screaming at her child about the value of a bottle of soda, and why she asked for it if she wasn’t going to drink it. It was a horribly adult conversation, and the 8-year old had no idea how to react. There was no framework for the kid to understand a budget, the value of a dollar, or even why they shouldn’t consume frivolously. There was just a mom yelling at her daughter.

It was just a horrible experience for everyone involved. The mother and the daughter yelling at each other. The two friends who were awkwardly stuck at the table. And me for eavesdropping, wishing I hadn’t, and then not being able to break away to see how it all ended.

It made me mentally note to never have that fight with my kids.

From there, we made our way back up to Capitola to check-in to our little beach house. Our next door neighbors were having a massive 35-person birthday party, and it was quite fun to watch all the kids run around. You notice kids, and their behavior, a lot more after having kids.

I kept thinking to myself, holy shit how do I prevent Amelia and #2 from being like that one over there? Or, wow, that girl is so kind, I wonder how to make sure my kids are kind? The one I kept coming back to that proves I’m officially an old man is, there’s no way in hell she’s ever wearing anything that looks like that!

I’m not great at a lot of things, but I will give myself credit as a strong pattern matcher and observer. I’ve learned the value of listening over the years, and have found that a large part of the equation of being a strong listener is being strong with your eyes as well. With all of that said, I still can’t find the pattern that distinguishes the girl getting yelled at for buying a soda she wouldn’t drink, and the kind girl on the beach who helped her sister/cousin when she bumped her head.

I think it’s going to take a lot more pattern matching before I can figure this one out :-/