growth – onvural.net – melih

I had a really good week this week.

That’s a very rare statement for me over the last two years. The general problem has been me. Sometimes the problem has just been the uncontrollable set of circumstances which life delivers on us. With all of that though, I had a really good week.

I think the critical element has been doing a better job of externalizing the factors that have been holding me back. This was unusually hard for me to do. I’ve always thought that I did a good job of letting people know what I think or how I feel. I was at one point the kind of person who bottles it all up, and then has a serious nervous breakdown when it all becomes too much. When I realized how unsustainable that was, I quit doing it. I think the major issue this time around was the topic itself. I’ve never really broached concerns about myself over the team or about what I want in regards to what others have. That just isn’t my style mainly because it feels too selfish, but I think my concern was more about understanding where I’m going, and I thought that was a question that I wasn’t “supposed” to ask. Turns out just being honest about things is really the best policy. It isn’t selfish to understand or to know. In fact, it’s probably more selfish to just try to figure it all out yourself because you deprive others of their ability to help you and grow the {relationship, person, situation} in a forward direction. As I’m writing this, all of that just seems so obvious now, but man that took me a lot to figure out.

With that 10,000 lbs rock off of my back, I was able to reconnect with the things that matter the most to me. I think number one on that list is being excellent at what I do. I don’t want to aim for a round of golf in the 100s, I want to aim for a round of golf in the 80s. I’ve hit enough balls at a driving range to finally realize that that’s insane. Doesn’t matter. I will, in 2010, hit a round of 18 holes of golf in 89 strokes or less because for me that stands as a marker of excellence.

To drive for excellence one needs an immense amount of focus and support, and I made sure to reinvest in both of these areas. I’m not good at focusing on getting tasks done unless I do so actively. I’m not sure why focus is difficult for me. What I have learned though is that a pad of graph paper, a list of tasks, and a set of headphones goes a long way in making sure I get things done. I think a big part of being successful around this focus issue will be being more organized in general. What I’ve found is that organization in design, thought, goals, etc. allows me to quickly weed out what isn’t important, and lets me as a result get to the end goal more efficiently. Organization and focus are both areas where I’m not strong, but I’m re-investing in them because in the near future I want to be.

I think the topic of support deserves its own post, and I’ll put a lot of effort this weekend into really trying to understand where the dividends and investments are in that area. Some of it is a personal set of requirements aimed at supporting my own goals, while most of it is making sure to invest in supporting others as the equal and opposite force of them investing in me. I’m really fascinated about the idea of building successful teams and cultures, and have been thinking on that topic for a few day snow, and I’ll be sharing more over the weekend.

Finally, I’ve made a commitment to myself to invest in my own confidence. To make really good weeks the norm, and in an effort to have a great week every now and then, I need to be confident that this should be the standard quo, and that in fact I do deserve to succeed because I do work hard, and I have, in this small window of time, earned it. My goal here is to expand that window. I have confidence that I will lose 25 pounds by June. I have confidence that I’m a better engineer today than I was one week ago. I also have confidence that I’m making better decisions about me, and that’s a really encouraging sign. I don’t quite know where this road goes, but I guess we’ll all find out.

I don’t name names on this blog, as that’s a bit too gossipy, but I do think it’s fair to say that this week was a good week because of the people who are in my life. This is a very PBS/Sesame Street moment. Instead of the letter A is presented to you by, it’s this good week was brought to you by {insert a litany of friends, co-workers, and random people on the street}. I think the icing on the cake was finding a fantastic Middle Eastern restaurant down the street from the office where the hummus is quality.

I’d like a lot more weeks like this one.

It has taken me almost six months to write this post. It’s been floating in my head for a long time. Since she left really. But I had to really know what I wanted to say. This isn’t a breakup post with a person or a closing of a chapter.

This is an end.

I feel like the straw that broke the camels back came from realizing that I was better away from everything that once made me whole. It was better for me to cut the cord on my past. All an individual builds on top of is what has happened to them. My foundation crumbled. I picked up the pieces that I wanted (or needed) to salvage. At first I tried to build a shelter from the pieces. That didn’t work. Instead I found myself forced to start over.

When I first moved out to San Francisco, I didn’t find myself investing in being here for long. One foot was already out of the door on my way back home to what I knew and to where I was king of my own domain. To say the least, that plan exploded in my face. Looking back now, I think it may be the best thing to have happened to me in an utterly perverse and masochistic way. I scratched and crawled to keep things as they were. I failed.

What I didn’t realize was how this was really an ending, and not a turn in the road. The turn had happened almost ten years previously. I had finally found the dead end that I had chased for a decade.

I honestly don’t know what I did next. There’s this emotional and mental block for a big stretch of the past spring and summer. I think what really happened was that someone else, or some group of someone elses, just kept me going. They were very much guardian angels without wings.

It was only after the last family vacation that we will ever have that I found myself both relieved of, and in some regards forgiven for, my past. Whatever the gorilla was, and I never really figured out what it was, it was gone.

In coming home from that trip I found that I was a borne again believer in myself. I never really realized how little confidence in myself I had left.

Since that trip, and the month of fasting that came immediately after it, I think that I have finally focused on what matters the most. I’ve refilled my confidence tank. My health, my personal development, my friends, my family, my love were all second class citizens. Now they are first on my mind, and first in my heart. It took me a long time to find that too.

It took me six months to write this post because in many ways I was mourning the death of who I was. That kid was really amazing in so many ways. The kind of guy you root for in the movies. I think that he got lost in himself somewhere, and the rest as they say is history. I can’t say that I will miss him, but I can say there is a hole where he once was. Instead of looking back, I can look ahead and declare…

This is now a beginning.

Tag: growth

Reflecting on a good week

Leaving the bubble behind