onvural.net – melih – family man

The babies came to the office today since Genevieve was out sick. It’s usually a lost day when that happens, but this time around they were really fantastic. I got a bunch of help from Lauren and KFox which epically made the day better. Without them, it would have been a totally lost day, but they came to my rescue big time.

We got to the office a bit on the later side since organizing and getting them out the door is difficult.

First meeting was with Betsy, and the kids had a fat section of the whiteboard. There was a section that said “Do Not Erase”. Of course they both wanted to draw and erase there. Sorry Badri…

I pulled off two interviews, a partner meeting, and a 1:1 (thankfully Byrne was good with going to the park). The kids woke up from their nap in the middle of the partner meeting, and there was a mad dash to turn on Finding Nemo before we reached full meltdown.

We ended with grilled cheese sandwiches, a quick bath, and a really easy bed time. They were really heroes. One of those days where I realize how lucky I really am.

Amelia built this couch out of pillows for her and Luka to climb on.

The nanny got sick today. We don’t have a back up plan. Burned…

Parenthood teaches you very quickly to expect that your back up needs a back up. It’s not enough to expect the kid to get dirty. They’re going to get dirty, and then pee through their diaper. One set of back up clothes is never enough.

Same with snacks (you’ll get stuck in traffic, and need a back up plan). Same with diapers

The hard part is that when people are involved it gets harder and harder to have a back up plan. Without having some infinite cash flow to hold folks on retainer, how the hell do you build up a network of nannies and babysitters that make this problem go away?

The real answer is… live close to family. Especially family who are keen to help out with the kids.

But in that we’ve made a pretty big commitment that doesn’t make that easy… we need a back up plan.

The hard part of the back up plan is the kids. They have a routine. They have patterns, favorites, likes, and dislikes. Getting someone caught up on all of this part time feels impossible. Interviewing for nannies is hard. I just don’t know how we pull it off…

I guess we just get them into school 🙂

I keep missing posts. Right when I’d like to write my post, Amelia wakes up. After getting her back to sleep, it’s 1am. Then I’m too tired to put it together.

Then she wakes up again at 5am, 6am (and if she makes it back to sleep at 7am again).

It’s been really brutal, and I have no idea how to beat it. Micky’s back is out, and so it’s been a very solo affair as well (which only makes it worse). It’s tough to get excited about waking up so many times in the night 🙁

Anyway, I’ll get back to daily posts this week, but I’ll continue to catch up tonight 🙂

So it’s finally happening…

My baby boy Luka has started pre-preschool. He gets to the door, waves at the greyhounds, and proceeds to the toys. He doesn’t even look back to kiss us good-bye.

He’s just too brave, and too excited to grow up. He’s so desperate to be where Amelia is, and not get left behind. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier than this last week (and that’s saying a lot for Luka).

I guess the time has come for another baby…

Amelia wanted to do it herself. I wasn’t ready to let her.

Key ingredients – a scooter, a helmet, and a rapidly beating heart. Mixed together, it’s a cocktail from hell. And I don’t drink to begin with.

So there we were, heading to see the Sloan’s new house. Amelia, wanting to copy everything that Lindy was up to, was on her scooter. I couldn’t let go. She kept asking me to let her do it herself. After some tussling, I let her go to see what would happen… and she road her scooter.

She went downhill expertly. She was able to adjust direction (not very well, but she did it). And she knew the speed she was comfortable with, and stopped the scooter if it went too fast. It’s as if she grew 10 years in front of my eyes.

I know exactly what’s going on, but I don’t know how to fix.

You see, Amelia and Luka are at school (Luka starts Monday), or with Genevieve, for a huge chunk of their week. Micky and I get to be with them for a few hours every morning, and a few hours in the evening. So when it comes to the weekend, and I get to be in full on parent mode, it’s hard for me to realize that they’re not frozen in time.

That where I left them last weekend isn’t where they are today.

It’s somehow conceivable that they would have learned, grown, become more capable, or simply just changed.

It’s a really hard reality check, and it’s proven impossible to pull off.

And so, I’m pro-actively making sure I back off. Letting them run around the playground themselves. Giving them the marker, and watching the chaos ensue. Letting the scooter run down hill. It’s so, so hard, but the smile on their faces is also so, so gratifying.

Luka started singing the “ABCs” today.

Our bedtime routine is quite consistent. The kids tend to watch an episode of Curious George (movie or TV version is a nightly debate). Then, after a bit of a temper tantrum (but less so than before), we head to their bedroom to read, sing songs, and then go to bed.

Our book choices are plenty, but we tend to have the same book over and over again for a few nights in a row. Right now, we’re jamming to “One fish, Two fish”, some Maisy books, and “We’re going on a bear hunt”. Other favorites include anything by Susan Boynton and “Goodnight moon”.

After reading (anywhere from 1-3 books), Amelia turns the light off, and we sing.

The first song is always the “ABCs”, and then we do any variety of “Old MacDonald”, “Baa Baa Black Sheep”, “Itsy Bitsy Spider”, and then we always put the kids to bed to “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”.

Clearly, through it all, Luka has heard his “ABCs” enough to start to sing it now, and tonight it was super cute. He got to “E”, and then when we joined him he got so embarrassed that he dug his head into the ground.

It was fantastic.

Long may he sing.

Another short post for time keeping sake. I got my first proper smooch from Luka today. I conned Amelia into giving me a kiss to get something, and I turned to Luka and said, “Now you too Luka.”

He puckered up, and planted one on my cheek.

It was wonderful 🙂

Saturday morning – filled with shrieks of joy. Pancakes sizzle in the frying pan. Amelia carts off to gym with Micky. Luka and I sit and watch the late Premier League soccer game while testing the boundaries of how much a son can do to drive his father crazy without injury or death entering the equation.

Lunch. Nap time. Swimming.

A young family tradition of fish sticks after swimming fulfilled with a stroll through the aisles of Whole Foods on the way home. Often a cheese stick, a bunch of grapes, or a chocolate bar fall victim to the the grabbing hands of a toddler.

Dinner. Bath time. Curious George. Stories. Songs. Bed.

Then silence – an envelope of exhaustion and thought.

From the thought has been an overbearing sense of isolation – friends not seen (weeks, months, and years); phone calls not made; a series of physical connections lost.

A constant conflict between being present as a father, a husband, and a friend. Not knowing how to balance my own triumvirate, inertia decides. And inertia finds me at home with cartoons one moment, and wrapped in a blanket next to Micky falling asleep to a movie that only just started the next.

I miss my friends. Mea culpa for the moments lost. I adore my family, with no regrets for the memories created.

The conflict continues without resolution. Only a next chapter…

What a wonderful week of Amelia and Luka.

We spent last week in North Carolina visiting family and friends. It’s amazing to me how much they trust Doruk even though they barely see him. Maybe a month ago I would have said barely know him, but after this past week I know better than that. To know someone is clearly more than to have their presence be consistent in day-to-day life, but it took a 2.5 year old to teach me that.

Micky headed over the UK for a few days, and so the flight back was the three of us. They did wonderfully, and the folks on the plane made sure to say as much. Everyone is so impressed when a man can take his kids on his own on long haul flights. We’re definitely not post-sexism by any stretch of the imagination. Even so, I appreciate the accolades, and so let me not complain too much 🙂

Amelia had her 2.5 year old checkup on Wednesday. After screwing up the time, and moving things around at work, we finally got the ball rolling. Measurements came in at:

• 38.5″ tall (> 100th percentile)
• 35 lbs (75th percentile)
• Smart, fun and awesome (okay, I made this one up)

The doctor suggested she get her flu shot, and so we buckled down and got ready (read, I buckled down and got ready). Amelia walked into the hallway, saw the nurse, and asked, “What’s that little girl doing?” (which is her token question about everyone these days). I explained that she was get Amelia’s shot ready, and then the nurse said that after she got her shot Amelia could get a sticker.

Amelia immediately responded with, “I want my shot.”

I wonder if any nurse has ever heard that before! When all was ready, and Amelia was in my lap, they rolled up her sleeve, pricked her, and… no tears, no fuss, just a request to go get her stickers.

It was AMAZING!

The next morning, Amelia decided to sleep in while Luka and I played in the living room before Noelle got here. He’s grown up so much in the last six weeks. Words. Opinions. Laughter. And the best smile I’ve ever seen. Luka smiles, and the world lights up. It’s truly amazing.

Then, today, the two of them chase each other around the house, “cook” breakfast, only eat the chocolate chips, and generally make an ordinary Saturday extraordinary. Amelia tops it all off by saying, “I’ll do the dishes” in a way only Amelia could.

So if anyone has a recipe for freezing these moments, and making sure they never go away, please let me know.

The natural order for me for a long time has been to avoid the present, and focus on the future. The promotion I’ve wanted so badly, and how good it was going to feel. The start up I’ve wanted so badly, and how much fun it was going to be. The dice I was going to throw, and how much money I would win.

But when it comes to Amelia and Luka, all of that has changed.

It is definitely possible to take for granted them being 2 and 1 year old respectively, and jump to 4, 10, 16, and beyond. And every now and then there are moments where I let myself do that. Take for example earlier today – Amelia and a new friend she made Eli were playing together wonderfully. They were bouncing on his bed, in the sandbox, banging on the drums, and just generally enjoying each other. And I found myself thinking, “So this is how father’s let their daughters marry someone. They make sure it’s someone who their daughter becomes better with.” And somehow it made that distant moment seem very close.

But then the rest of the day was spent in the extreme present. Playing in fountains, swimming in the pool, creating obstacle courses around the house. We got Amelia a play kitchen set, and we made play eggs and had afternoon tea. Luka ate kofte for the first time, and loved it. He gives kisses now, and then hugs you when he wants to let you know that he appreciates you’re there.

In those moments, there is no future. There’s no worry about broken hearts or SATs. There is simply an us.

And because of Amelia and Luka, I’ve started to apply this same philosophy elsewhere to try to help put things into perspective. I don’t know that it’s working yet, but I think it will definitely help me focus on the journey more and the destination less.

That’s something that I know now will work out in the future.