Category: just thinking out loud

I think I’ve just lived the best week of my life.

From Phoenix, where I saw Andy, Arielle and my brother play soccer, to my birthday, which was made amazing by great friends and just an absolutely amazing Micky, to being in North Carolina over Thanksgiving, where I just had an amazing time, I was enveloped in a genuine sense of love and compassion that I don’t think I’ve felt for a really long time.

It was in every way imaginable a reminder of how lucky I am. It’s the eternal cliche to not appreciate how lucky you are until you no longer have the opportunity. I didn’t fall into that trap in this instance. Instead I yearned so much for what I had lived for in a past life that I dreaded going back home because I thought it would never live up to the memories. Over the course of the last year, I would say that I’ve learned to put my memories in the right context, but that doesn’t mean that being in the moment wouldn’t be overwhelming. Somehow, someway, it was even better than I remembered. I think a lot of it is that I have amazing friends both in San Francisco and Raleigh who have created a wonderful network of nerds, geeks, jocks, and the occasional Saar (who of course gets his own category).

I also was successful in my 33″ by 25 campaign. On my birthday I measured in at a lean 32 ⁷/₈, and hopefully this Thanksgiving hasn’t been too harsh on that conquest! I just want to thank everyone who committed to giving to a charity. I know how lucky I am, but I’m also really excited that someone else will somehow benefit from how great my friends are.

Pictures are coming, and I’m sure I’ll be telling stories about all of the fun that I had to anyone who will listen, but before I crashed tonight (after writing some superb code I might add) I just had to share with the world that right now I’m genuinely the happiest person. It’s wonderful. Thank you.

While most of you may know me as a rather good looking fellow with boyish charm, I have in fact become a bit of a slob over the years. When I started at TokBox in June 2008, I was probably approaching a 40″ waist line. Nothing like the 30″ waistline that I came into college with. Clearly those “Freshman 15″ hit me a bit harder than I would have liked.

When I first measured in February of 2009, I had a 38″ waist. I did so because I gave up fast food for Lent, and I wanted to see what the difference would be. It was huge. I lost 2″ over the 40 days of Lent with no fast food. I’ve since gotten it down to somewhere between 34.5″ to 35.5″ depending on the day. Now my goal is to reach a 33” waist by my 25th birthday which is on November 20th. I have just over 2 weeks to do it, and I want you to help.

You probably weren’t going to get me anything for my birthday anyway, and that’s okay! I didn’t get you anything for your birthday either. But, I am going to be a bit selfish, and ask that you help motivate me by “sponsoring” my drive to 33″. For each inch lost (today I measured, and I was 35″), I ask that you pledge an amount to donate to charity. I don’t have a favorite charity, and so I’ll be taking suggestions for that as well. I say make it a bit fun too. As an example, pledge $10 for a 34″ waist, but $25 for a 33″ waist. Give me that extra bit of push!

All said, I need 2 things from you, my friends.

• A charity to which I should donate my proceeds (most popular two or three will get the proceeds)
• A birthday gift of pledging some amount to donate for each inch lost

Worse comes to worse, we’ll have fun and laugh over that time when I thought I could be good looking again! Please do post to my blog your ideas and pledges because these links tend to get lost on Facebook/Twitter/etc. after a few days.

That’s how I feel right now about my need to make excuses for myself of late. No one gives a damn, and nor should they. I don’t have any good ones… there rarely is a good one. I need a good reason to move forward, and I think that I’ve finally found it. It’s over. 24 is over, and it’s time to take control again, and understand how in so many ways I control the destiny of the most important thing in my life right now… me.

So here’s a game plan for me:

1. Get Organized

I’m working on a good calendar & to-do list for myself. I’m not quite sure what I need or what I want. I now that iCal isn’t it, and I also know that Google Calendar isn’t it. Would love to get suggestions from people to see what they use. I also might just build my own. I’ll start with a to-do system, and work my way up. I’m really trying to figure out what I would need in it. I would need SMS access; I would want some level of control for others to see when necessary and not see when not necessary. Anyway, just thinking out loud here, but this is definitely number one for me.

2. Set Goals

It’s really hard to have any idea of being successful unless you have some metric against which to measure. I didn’t think this was true. I always assumed that the end goal was to just reach a new milestone, regardless of what it may be. That’s a never ending road to nowhere as it were. When I went to TIP camp during the summer of 2000 (which was probably the best summer of my life, btw), we had a session on the difference between nowhere and now here and how incrementally different these two words are in the English language visually, and yet how large the chasm between the two is philosophically. Setting goals is effectively my exploration of how to jump that chasm from nowhere to understanding what now here means.

3. Have Fun Again

I saved the best for last. I think the thing that I’ve really lost is just the idea that I need to have fun. There just isn’t enough life not to have fun all the time. I need to find my smile. I enjoyed my soccer match this week just for the folks that I got to play with. Yeah, they drive me crazy, but that’s why I love them. I actually have a huge crush on one of the co-eds… but don’t tell anyone! I laughed a lot today with the “Costume Gang”. We made a big mistake leaving when we did. We lost too much of our day, and essentially lost a day at work, but for my morale it was good. It’s what actually led me to force myself to re-focus, write this, and make the commitment to gain control again.

I am committing here to making this next year of my life huge. I don’t know today how that’s going to play out. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing. What I do know though is that looking back on the year in 365 days will be much like an architect returning to the keystone in an archway knowing that it takes all of the stones to build the archway, but this one stone to bind the rest together.

I’ve been doing a whirlwind tour of my life over the last month or so. Some physical, some mental… a lot in the here, but also a lot in the tomorrow (I’m so good at living in my past, that I’ve ignored that bit). It’s been a very riveting personal roller coaster. I’m taking some time to get off of the roller coaster, and just write down what I’ve figured out. The goal isn’t to offend, but to enlighten.

And so it goes.

I’m good at what I do. Sometimes I need to stop and just say that because I get too focused on all of the things that I can’t do. I enjoy learning from the people who I work with, and I hope that I bring something into their lives as well. It’s a really great family that I have at the Box. And I think I add to it in some small way.

I’m learning an immense amount about what I want to be, who I want to replicate, and, very surprisingly, what I don’t want to be. I think that last point is the one that really strikes me as being the least obvious thing to learn. And yet, you run into personalities and individuals where you can clearly see how they make people less well off. They are the quintessential elephant in the room. It’s become very clear to me that I need to understand what makes those people so unlikeable to me. Otherwise, I’m going to make those same mistakes.

I’m an imitator, a mockingbird, in that I find things in people, and then try them out in myself. Is this how all people are? I don’t really know, as I’ve never been anyone else that I remember. But I’m finding that I’m incredibly good at taking what I like in other people and emulating it in myself; engraining it as my own. The things that I really like, I then make a concerted effort to preach downstream.

I love to dream. I dream big dreams, and don’t understand those who have to be grounded in reality. Life, for me, is meant to be lived flying towards the moon. I love that about myself… If I ever lose this, then I don’t think I’ll recognize myself.

I need to take better care of my body. Not just in terms of exercise, which I’m much better about lately, but also in terms of what I eat, sleep, time outdoors. I’m bad at this. I need to work on it. I will improve upon this.

There’s a lot more, but I made this a ten-minute exercise tonight. I’ll get back to the grind of the hourly exercise tomorrow. Very excited about what the last month of 24 has to offer me. It will hopefully be a launching pad into 25 that I could never have imagined.

I just finished reading a really intriguing set of articles in this week’s New Yorker. I wish they had a micropayment system where I could pay for articles that I enjoyed a la how Radiohead releases their albums, but that’s a different topic altogether. I’m going to write some thoughts, more along the lines of immediate reactions, and then maybe follow up if I can find some time after doing some thinking and discussing. The first article is by Malcolm Gladwell, and can be found here

Ignore for a fact that the article draws links against dogfighting because of the prominence that dogfighting has gained in the last few years, and instead think about when humans pitted humans in battles to the death against each other for entertainment. I ask you to ignore it because I’d rather focus on the notion of long-term human suffering in the name of entertainment as opposed to animal cruelty. I think the major pieces that come to my mind are the Gladiators of the Roman Empire, and the jousters of the Middle Ages.

(I’ll admit that I know very little about either in any form of depth, and so please let me know if I’ve made an assumption, and you know it to be wrong.)

I think a crucial difference between then and now lies in how we view fellow persons. There isn’t a need to prepare soldiers as there was in the Middle Ages. If I’m not mistaken, which of course I can be, the tournaments of the time acted as a way for those who competed to show off their prowess in the ability to wage war. Winning wars is no longer an indicator of the success of a man. The merits of that can be debated in another forum, but to me it also makes the value of physical prowess much less.

On a similar note, the spoils of war are also no longer something which is an integral part of society. Slaves, wealth, and property were all benefits given to the winning army in the age of the Roman Empire. Slaves, and again I could be quoting popular fiction instead of historical fact here, were often in the center of the Coliseum tasked with being the kill or be killed entertainment du jour. Thankfully, in my opinion, we’ve found that elevating even our enemies in victory to a higher level of understanding has replaced the notion that success should be measured by spoils won and stolen.

Given that these forms of entertainment have become outdated either because they are no longer necessary in preparing for war, or because we’ve advanced in our moral treatment, what is it about football that keeps us engaged. It has so many of the attributes of the Coliseum and the Tournaments of the Middle Ages. The battlefield analogies, the insane athleticism, the unbelievable wealth associated with it all. And it turns out that we’re still cheering for a sport that at the end of the day leaves the players in a broken state, unable to even take care of their families despite the millions they have earned.

It actually turns me off to the sport in my mind, and yet, as I sit here and watch Monday Night Football, I’m completely engaged in it all. Why can’t I see that in my entertainment, that these men are killing themselves? Why is that okay? I don’t really know, but I’m fascinated by it all.

What do you think?

Today I went to the King Tut exhibit at the de Young Museum in Golden Gate Park. Just walking through the ten rooms that they set up really took me to another place and time. Clearly, the exhibit itself takes you back over 3000 years, and gives you that glimpse into a world that’s nothing like the one we live in today.

It left me with so many questions. What was it like to be poor in a world where the pharaohs, and I’m assuming the rich, had so much wealth? Was the middle class, if there was one, just enabling the wealthy? How does an economy react to as much wealth as was in Tut’s tomb being effectively destroyed when the pharaoh dies? Have we really advanced as much as we often claim in technology, art, culture?

(As an aside, having just written those questions down, it makes me realize that there are a lot of things that probably don’t change at all…)

On a personal level however, it took me back to elementary school. I was fascinated with Egyptology in third grade. I would actually skip recess to have a chance to go the library, and try to find one more book to read about that world which fascinated me so much. I don’t think I was as passionate about anything in my life to this day as I was about becoming an archaeologist when I was in elementary school.

Remembering that really has me questioning a lot of things all of a sudden. I know that I’m good at what I do today, and that makes me very happy.

However, should I have gone after that dream? Would I have been good at it? I’d still be in school, and I definitely would not have gone to NC State. I would not have met James or Matt who are my future co-founders in waiting. I’m not sure where I would have ended up, but I do know that it would have been doing something that I loved.

I ended up asking myself, and my brother the Philosophy major, do we need to fail many more times than we succeed to say that we’ve even tried.

I don’t know what the answer is today, but I’m going to work through it a bit in my head, and see if I can come back and answer the question. In the meantime, please feel free to share.

Tuesday night was Kadir Gecesi, and I asked my co-workers to join me in fasting that day. Kadir Gecesi was the one psuedo-religious/cultural event that we celebrated as children. One prayed that night, and whatever was wished for would be granted (or so the story goes according to my mom). I thought the fun idea of earning a wish for fasting was a good premise for sharing Ramadan with the team.

There are two things that I think one day of fasting teaches a person.

The first is that the body is truly a spectacular machine, and that we haven’t come even close to replicating what was created regardless of the technology we discover and innovate.

The second is that the individual is unbelievably capable of things that he always doubted about himself.

Is it tough to skip that afternoon coffee? Yes, but two of my friends did just that. What about not drinking all day?

The Big Deal himself texted me four or five times about not being able to drink, but on his first day at a new job, he pulled it off, and I bet he even looked good doing it.

And as the time ticked closer and closer to 7:18pm (sunset in San Francisco), the group collectively came together to support each other, and to fill those last minutes, which often seem to last for hours, with camaraderie and laughter.

And so, I realized that I didn’t need to wait for Kadir Gecesi to make my wish. If everyone were as lucky as I feel I have been to have people around me who love me this much, then the world would truly be a better place. It’s amazing what giving up on food and water for a day can teach a person about how full their life really is.

The flip side of calling out those who can’t compete is taking responsibility when you fail your team, or you fail yourself. I feel like tonight I did both. We lost again, and I was a very selfish player. I didn’t move the ball well, and I didn’t play solid defense. When I had the ball at my feet, I did generally make good decisions, but I also generally failed to execute.

Now I’m trying to figure out what to do when I don’t trust half of the team to make good decisions. There are just people who don’t know how to play soccer, and the level at which we play is too high for someone who is a recreation level player. So what should I do? Is the right thing to do to not include them in the decisions that I make?

I won’t pass him the ball. I won’t trust him to get back on defense. I will play as if we’re a man down when he’s on the court.

That doesn’t seem fair to me, or to the team at large.

I’m trying to improve my level of play, and that includes making the other people around me better as well. It’s selfish to be any other way.

Acting as if that person doesn’t exist really hurts the team as well. We need to become a better unit. We need to move better, and maintain a shape that works on the indoor court. It needs to be a team effort, and a team responsibility.

All of that said, mainly out of frustration, I need to set goals for myself for the next match. First of all, I need to be a more positive force on the team. The important thing for me is to get back to the basics, and force myself to play 2-touches max, and focus on moving the ball, and my body position around the field. Finally, I think I need to just push the individual to work on improving one piece of his game. Work on defense first, and let’s get marking, body position, and general defensive techniques down. From there, we can really accomplish anything.

I failed myself, and my team today, and I’m not going to let it happen again.

Tonight’s writing exercise is a special one dedicated to someone who is very important to me, and without whom I would not be who I am today

If you knew me well when I was nine years old, then the answer would surprise you. In fact, you wouldn’t believe me. It just doesn’t flesh with what you would have seen day in and day out.

If you knew me when I was five years old, then it may make a bit more sense. The thing is, at five years old, the brainwashing is in full force. You’re told to be a certain way. To act a certain way. There’s a complete innocence to it as well. It’s exciting, and the anticipation around it all tends to catch you up and carry you with it. I also find that there’s an appeasement process involved which makes the whole process a bit easier to bear.

I think you’d guess it best if you’ve known me later in life. Especially around the time that I graduated from high school and through college. I don’t think I made too many decisions without considering… my younger brother.

He was supposed to be a she. Everything was pink. I remember how excited everyone was. Grandparents were in town, and we lived in the apartment complex off of Blue Ridge. I think I drove everyone by that place at least once in the last five years to say I used to live there. It puts in perspective where the journey started.

I don’t really remember much else until he was about two years old, and would come out into the cul-de-sac naked while my friends and I were riding bikes. His crib/bed/whatever was right below my bunk bed, and I’m not sure if I imagined this but I’m pretty sure there was some jumping from one bed to another going on. Not necessarily a smart thing to do, but fun nonetheless.

I think from the point where he was a pain in the ass, until he stopped being a pain in the ass, we probably fought non-stop. It was pretty insane. It was quite healthy though. We would really do everything together, and then he would annoy the hell out of me, and then I’d beat him up. I was told in high school that I needed to talk to someone about it, but I’m not sure that it was anything more than a big brother defining who the boss was.

I’m pretty sure we all know now that Doruk is in fact the boss.

I’m not sure when he quit being a pain in the ass, but I find myself constantly amazed at the man who my little brother has grown up to be. He has an immense desire to excel. It isn’t an outward bound need to show to others. I’ve found it to be a very fierce, very passionate form of desire. With this same energy, he loves; he thinks; he laughs; he cries. It has no beginning; no end; no need to operate by the rules that define others.

And so others follow him. They laugh when he smiles, and they reach new heights by simply standing upon his shoulders. He acts as the proverbial giant for those who want to see further than their own destinies would allow. And all of this at 20 years old. Imagine what the next twenty years have to offer.

Happy Birthday to the best thing that ever happened to me… my little brother, Doruk.